Resolution #1: Accepting & Starting Where You Are
Ahh…Change. We resolve to do it at the start of every New Year yet struggle to maintain our resolutions after just a few days or weeks into the process. Having helped others through positive change, I have come to realize that those who made the greatest transformations mastered a paradox of the change process itself: sustainable change always begins with an acceptance and acknowledgement of where you are first. How is it acceptance drives change?
Principle #1: Acceptance frees up our emotional resources for change
Acceptance is a powerful lever because it frees up emotional resources. When we are not accepting our lives, we live in a state of resistance. In resistance, we experience anger, fear, or frustration – emotions which sap emotional and physical energy. When we move to a state of acceptance, we come to terms with how things are. We shift from saying, “I hate this about my life” to, “things are exactly as they should be, I am exactly where I should be.” Acceptance, however, does not mean resignation or giving up. The natural progression from anger to acceptance actually creates an opening for change to occur.
Take, for example, an up and coming leader – we’ll call her Jane – whom I recently worked with at a top tier management consulting firm. For years, Jane received feedback that others felt shut down around her due to a commanding style perceived as abrupt, curt, and impatient. For years, she met this feedback with resistance feeling angry and blameful. When the same feedback came again but this time with a stalled promotion warning, Jane reached out for coaching but from a place of acceptance. “I finally realize I am a great leader in terms of getting the job done but there is some truth to that I am a terrible listener and can be curt with others – I’d really like to get to the next level but don’t know how.”
Principle #2: Acceptance enables us to see our situation with clarity
No longer swimming in the pools of anger or fear, acceptance helps us to see what is really going on with great clarity. In the case of Jane, she could now objectively observe herself in meetings and track the triggers, causing her to feel impatient or go abrupt. In this self-observation, she uncovered many vulnerabilities: the time pressure she felt from her boss, the fear of not being seen as an “expert”, and her knee jerk habits of responding when under stress.
Principle #3: Acceptance creates focus, faith, and fuel for change
By uncovering the truth, Jane could now efficiently engage in the practice of change. She decided to focus on evolving her leadership style. She felt good about her strengths in directing, executing and driving action – skills that had carried her career so far – but now it was time to balance out her leadership voice with skills such as listening, empathy, and reading an audience. No longer frustrated, Jane channeled her energy into practicing these new skills. Her faith and optimism about her future career advancement grew. Six months after coaching, Jane received a performance review and feedback from colleagues indicating she had successfully made the changes she intended.
Jim Collins’ research on Level 5 Leaders (refers to the highest level of executive capabilities), called this the “Stockdale Paradox” named for Admiral James Stockdale, a Vietcong POW camp survivor. Level 5 Leaders “confront the most brutal facts of their current reality (accept, acknowledge, and see it clearly), yet simultaneously maintain absolute faith that they would prevail in the end (focus, faith, optimism).” While most of us may never experience something as horrific as a POW camp, the same principles apply.
As the year continues to unfold, make this year different. Start with accepting and acknowledging where you are first. You may be surprised to find that by year end you actually held to your resolutions and made incredible change as a result.
– Amy Jen Su