“In the Heat of the Moment” – Why It’s Really Not About the Other Person
Regardless of the season, many of our clients are feeling the dial get turned up with difficult relationships at work. While context differs, the net is the same: “let me tell you what is wrong with the other person”, “he/she did something to me”, “I can’t believe his/her behavior.”
Sound familiar? Now, add up the costs in productivity by staying “hooked into” the drama of your favorite workplace “villain”. When we realize that we can’t change others (despite all of our attempts to control or manipulate), the real question becomes how can we leverage our most difficult or tension-filled relationships into learning and growth opportunities for ourselves?
1) Get in Touch with Values
Take Linda, a senior leader in a professional services firm, constantly at odds with Tom, a peer. Linda would spend hours in coaching and with friends replaying the details of their interactions. “You should have seen him in this last meeting – as usual, poking holes, seeing only the negative, and being condescending.”
Rather than keeping the focus on Tom, we challenged Linda to shift the focus on herself – what was her reaction to Tom telling us about Linda and her values? For two weeks, she tracked when she felt aligned to her values and when she experienced a “values violation.”
Linda uncovered two things – first, she had a value around supporting and acknowledging others and being supported and acknowledged by others. She was pleased to describe how her values had manifested in her leadership style and relationships with staff, clients, friends, and family. On the other hand, Linda took pause at the realization of unspoken expectations she had of others to hold these same values. She realized when these were absent in her interactions, she experienced frustration, anger, and vulnerability to the opinion of others.
2) Discover New Development Opportunities
When Linda was upset about Tom, she would talk about “Tom’s “selfishness, putting himself before others, and wanting to be in the limelight” – all behaviors she felt were in violation of her values of teaming and collaboration.
At the same time, Linda’s recent promotion to a more executive level, did require that she place more emphasis on market place visibility and be more judicious in her use of time to meet executive responsibilities. Linda spoke of feeling exhausted and wishing she had more time for herself and family.
The big irony of our often perceived “nemeses” is that they help to shine light on the very parts of ourselves we are in conflict with or unconsciously have not come to terms with. For Linda, she needed to see the fine line between upholding a value of teaming versus being a martyr to protect a self-image of “being a good person”. While it was difficult to acknowledge, she realized what Tom was especially adept at – setting boundaries, personal self-care, and networking in the market – were the very skills she needed to add to her repertoire to achieve better balance and continued success.
3) Remember the Power of Choice
For Linda, a new sense of empowerment emerged when she realized perhaps this was not about Tom, but herself and her own habituated reactions to Tom, which were within her control.
Linda realized rather than staying in a “victim’s stance”, she had choice in sharing more directly her expectations with others – i.e./ “for today’s meeting, I’d like to first hear the positive aspects about what’s working well with the new systems interface. And then, in the 2nd half, I’d like to gather your ideas for continued improvement.”
With Tom, she actually found new perspective as she reflected on his values of self-sufficiency and marketplace production. Their relationship improved as Linda took things in her own hands to be more forthright about who she was and what she expected while also aligning to her values by supporting Tom and acknowledging his values.
The next time you find yourself charged up, remember Ronald Heifetz’s phrase, “Going to the Balcony” to step back, gain your composure, and look at what’s going on from an objective place. Is your frustration actually a ‘values violation’ with someone else – how can you share your expectations and values while also learning more about the other’s person’s values and expectations? Is there a conflict within yourself that the other person is bringing to the surface in an uncomfortable way?
Use your painful reactions to others as an opportunity to hold up the mirror. Use that information to drive more intentional, strategic choices for how you communicate and choose to engage. Who knows, one day, when looking back, you may actually be thankful for all that relationship offered.
Reflection: Taking Things Personally
“Don’t take anything personally…nothing others do is because of you…when you are immune to the opinion and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering…personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about “me”. (Don Miguel Ruiz, Author of the Four Agreements)
Take a moment to reflect on a recent difficult interaction with another person:
- Did you take it personally? Did you blame the other person for the interaction and feel victim to judgment, insult, or comments?
- How did you react in the situation? What other choices did you have/do you have in responding?
- What have you learned about your values or potential areas for growth based on your interaction?
– Amy Jen Su